when a dream coming true is terrifying

Have you ever found yourself in that place where, what ‘should’ be super exciting, is instead filling you with fear and anxiety? When you find yourself in the midst of something you had thought about forever and the experience is suddenly terrifying instead of enjoyable? On Monday afternoon, my husband and I had our level 2 ultrasound to find out if baby G was a boy or a girl and whether there were any health concerns we should be aware of. I so badly wanted to be excited, but instead was overwhelmed by all the unknowns and quite frankly terrified to find out.

You might not be in the midst of a pregnancy, but I have a hunch you might be able to see yourself in my story. We aren’t one of those couples who tried forever to get pregnant, we weren’t actually trying yet, and we did. Yes, we’re one of those couples… However, I have thought about having children since I was 6 or 7 years old. It wasn’t a dream that I pursued relentlessly (I didn’t get married until I was 36), but it was a strong dream of “God, I really hope that someday…” Not getting married until what is considered “later in life,” I wasn’t sure if having kids would still be an option for us.  Yes, I know medical technology has come a long way and adoption and fostering children is a huge need in our country, but those are still not things you can bank on for certain. It was one of those dreams I had long ago let go of, having fully accepted that it would be okay if it was never a reality, all the while it was still burning deep within my heart. I’m guessing you can relate…

So here I was, on what should have been an incredibly exciting day, just wanting the appointment to be over with so we could face whatever news there was to face. Sometimes I find that I am just waiting for the other proverbial shoe to fall, especially when it comes to things that matter the most.  I want to hold them loosely and not get too attached. What if it doesn’t actually happen? What if…? What if…? What if…I get hurt? I know, I know, there are so many things wrong with this kind of approach to life. My hunch is, I’m not the only one who doesn’t head full on into their dreams with reckless abandon…

At the core of my fear, I found myself in this tension of wanting to hold back my love, my passion, my excitement, my hope. As I talked to God about all of this Monday morning, God reminded me of what unconditional love says, “We don’t hold back our love based on unknown outcomes, we give until we give all of ourselves, everything we have and love beyond the shadows of the unknown. We love no matter what.”

And then God asked me, “Do you think I’ve held back any of My love even though I’ve known full well what the outcomes would be? Not even once. Never. Not for a second. If I can, you can through Me. And when you can’t and your love ends, I have more than enough to love completely. Yes, to love like Me can mean getting hurt, but it can also be the most amazing, freeing, generous thing you’ve ever done. And you can’t know which it will be until you do it. And even when I’ve been hurt by those whom I love, do you think I have ever regretted it? Not once.”

If God can love unhindered when He knows the outcome, we can when we don’t. So here’s to living and loving beyond calculated risks.

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