Tips When You're the Only Female at the Table
As women continue to gain access to leadership positions historically unavailable to them, it is so common for women to be the only woman at the table. Sometimes this can be intimidating, sometimes it can be a reminder of what you've had to overcome to get a seat at the table, and sometimes it reminds you how much more there is to be done to give women the equal access of their male counterparts and it can be a trigger. As someone who’s spent much of her career here, I’ve developed practices that have helped me to thrive in my leadership as the only woman at the table. Here are 5 tips that I've picked up along that I want to share with you!
As a female leader in the Church, the norm for me has been being the only woman in the room. There have been times when I hardly noticed the reality, and other times when it was blatantly obvious.
I remember one occasion, where I was in a small office with 4 or 5 men and the person leading the meeting asked for feedback on an event. After several others had spoken, and I had an idea I wanted to share. I began speaking and several sentences in, another guy in the room started talking more loudly than I was and over me. It was as if he literally hadn't heard me start to speak. It was super awkward and for a second, I didn’t know what to do (he also happened to be my boss at the time...).
Thankfully, the guy facilitating the meeting immediately called him on it and gave me back the floor. In that instant, I couldn’t have felt more seen or heard as a woman. It made me feel like I had truly been invited to the table (but not by my boss!). There are countless other instances when the reverse was true and my voice was not heard, in more ways than one.
That experience affirmed my value in being at the table (even as the only female), emboldened me to speak up when I had something to say (which I often do!), and to literally make sure everyone can hear me by speaking confidently and leaning in.
When you find yourself as the only woman at the table, here are 5 tips for thriving in your leadership.
#1 Assume You’re Valued
While not every meeting facilitator is great about creating space for everyone to contribute (male and female alike), if you are sitting at the table assume you are there for a reason. If you're waiting for permission to speak up, assume that by being at the table that you have permission. Stop waiting to be directly asked for your input, unless everyone else at the table is directly asked for their input. Take up your space, lean in, speak up, be engaged, and participate. Your ideas and opinions are needed, valued, and appreciated! If you’re sitting there, assume your role is to speak up and offer your input and perspective.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been at a table as the only woman and brought up what I've felt like were “common sense” suggestions, but which I could tell were not yet being taken into consideration. When I've offered my input, my contributions turned out to be really appreciated and valued.
#2 When You Don’t Feel Heard
If you find yourself in a situation where you’re doing all these things and you still feel as if you are never heard, you likely start to wonder if you might have been invited to the table, but not actually invited to participate. If this is the case, then say something offline about it. Go to whoever invited you to the table and bring it up. Share your perspective, be honest about how you feel, and ask if you are missing something. Be straight forward about asking if you really do have space to be at the table. If you feel comfortable saying so, mention that at the moment it simply feels like you are the token female and there for appearances only.
I had a conversation with my boss one time about the culture around our office feeling like a good ol’ boys club. There were several women on staff in leadership positions, and we all felt the same way. The reality was, we weren’t even invited to the table. So I pointed this out and asked for clarity and if I was missing something. Turned out I wasn't. We genuinely weren't yet invited to the table.
Often when cultures are so ingrained, it’s hard for people to see how the organizational culture makes other people feel, even if they truly want you at the table and find value in you being there. So yes, sometimes you need to say something. Sharing how situations or circumstances make you feel and seeking to genuinely understand go a long way.
#3 Don’t Go it Alone
Remember, you truly are not alone. It may feel like you are the “only” one at your table. But you aren't the only "only." There are more and more “only” women at tables all around the world, and plenty of men who truly see women as equally valuable and essential at the table. Find these people, surround yourself with people whom you can share struggles with, but also who can encourage you and help develop you as you rise the leadership ladder. It might not be easy, but it’s worth it!
#4 Don’t Be Afraid to Make Mistakes
In her NY Times article, Dolly Chugh also suggested focusing on “excellence, not perfection.” Studies show that when you’re the “only” you are held to higher standards than the others (so if it feels like that’s the case for you, it actually might be true).
I remember being given a new responsibility and was given one shot at getting it right (but I didn’t know that at the time). The feedback I received was that I hadn’t gotten it quite right. And I was never asked to do it again.
For women who already struggle with being perfectionists, this can be exhausting. In part, because it can often feel like you’re not given equal opportunities as your male counterparts. The reality is that failure is a vital component of growth. So, if this is your current situation, go ahead and aim for excellence, but don’t crumble if you miss the mark. You will have other chances, maybe just not there. Which brings me to #5.
#5 Don’t Stay Stuck
If you truly are a token female at the table with zero opportunities in the foreseeable future for having your voice heard, being developed, or getting a promotion, weigh the benefits and the downsides of staying. I promise you there are other organizations and people who would welcome you with open arms and help you thrive in your leadership potential. I know it can often feel like this isn’t the case. There are lots of circumstances where it can feel like this will be your only chance (like if you’re in a leadership position in your local church and all your community is there). But I promise you, it isn't.
Don't give in to the temptation of believing there are no other options for you and that you’re stuck, and you’ll never actually thrive as a leader. Myself, and countless other women have left jobs and organizations because being a token female wasn’t what we know our true potential to be.
You have so much potential! You deserve to be at the table. You deserve to be developed as a leader! You deserve to have your voice heard and appreciated. Find those tables, lean in, and share your perspective confidently and boldly.