The 3 Most Productive Steps to Take When You're Offended

When you work with people (ah-hem, most of us!), there are going to be times when you get hurt or offended by others. Either the people you lead, your peers, or those leading you are going to offend you. Even if you are easy going and it takes a lot to offend you, it will still happen. None of us is immune to this. When this happens, do you handle it in a productive way?

I was recently talking with a leader to whom this had happened.  And, as is often the case with strong leaders who know their worth and value and feel unappreciated or underappreciated, an initial response is to leave.  Now, you might not leave right away, but often the seed is planted and you covertly or overtly start looking to go elsewhere.  I have seen this happen countless times (and been tempted to do the very same thing myself).  And while leaving can sometimes be the end result, it’s not the best place to start.

So, when we do get offended as leaders, how can we respond well?  There are three steps you can take when you are ready to deal with it. And I say ready because if you are still emotionally charged about the offense, that is not the best time to deal with it. The reality is, when our emotions are heightened, it’s nearly impossible to have a productive conversation. Just ask anyone in a committed relationship. Very few (dare I say any) productive conversations take place when one or more participants are emotionally charged.

So, when you're ready to lean into the tension and have an honest conversation about the incident, there are three steps to take that are essential to moving forward.

Seek Understanding

The first place you want to start is to seek understanding. All of our actions and words stem from our beliefs and values. So, regardless of whether you think what the person did or said that offended you was wrong, they didn’t think so. Unless the act was malicious (which the majority of the time they aren’t), then it’s up to you to seek to understand why they did or said what they did. You can simply say something like “I’m trying to understand (or I’m confused about) why you did or said such and such. Can you help me understand?”

Offer Feedback About How You Felt

After listening to them explain why they did or said what they did, share with them how it made you feel. If you’ve ever done any relationship work, then you know the simple formula for doing so goes like this, “When you said/did _______, I felt ______ because ______.”

You might feel awkward saying this the first time or two, but I guarantee it's the simplest and most effective way to honestly communicate how what someone else did or said made you feel.

Ask for Feedback

And instead of just leaving the conversation there, if you truly want to increase your learning from the incident, ask for feedback for yourself. You can certainly decide whether or not to receive it, but you might just learn something from the feedback you get when you ask for it.

In my friend’s case, she was looked over for a higher leadership role and it was given to someone with much less experience. Rather than find this out from her supervisor, she found out from a peer. Needless to say, she was incredibly upset, not so much about not getting the role but because of the lack of communication and transparency from her supervisor.

Instead of walking out the door, I encouraged her to seek understanding, share how the lack of direct communication made her feel, and then to ask her supervisor for feedback by saying something like, “because I didn’t get the role, are there areas that I can improve on or are there things I could be doing differently that would have put me in a better position to get the role?”

Sharing how what someone says or does makes you feel can be the easiest step of the three, but neglecting to seek understanding or ask for feedback for yourself means you lose out on learning that could be incredibly beneficial to your own leadership development.

Working with people means you will be hurt andoffended from time to time. The longer you wait to lean into the tension ofthis hurt, the bigger the wedge that grows between you and that person. Let meencourage you not to take the easy road and leave, but to lean into the tensionof the conflict and make it a learning and growth opportunity for both of you.