The Most Self Destructive Habit of Female Christian Leaders
The most self-destructive habit of female Christian leaders today is comparison. Learn the remedy to stop comparing yourself to others so that you can thrive in leadership in life!
Are you feeling inadequate? like you can't be enough? Aren't good enough? By the end of this article you will know the four truths that will help set you free so that you can thrive in leadership in life. As a recovering perfectionist, these are the truths that set me free from the trap of comparison and now it's your turn!
Comparing ourselves to others is normal. Comparison is also the thief of joy. All too often we treat life and leadership like a zero-sum game like there is a finite pie and only the best get a piece of the pie. But it's not helpful or true for that matter. I'm one of the most competitive people I know and it almost cost me everything because I would not allow myself to try something new if I knew I couldn't be the best. I always wanted to be the best at the best of everything and not only did it cost me joy, I truly couldn't be the best at everything and neither can you.
Here's the truth, there will always be someone that is better yet, someone that is faster, wealthier, smarter, someone that is a better communicator, someone that's a better parent, someone that's better at fill in the blank… It's a never-ending rat race based on the lie that our goal in life is to be better than everyone else. But there's a better way to live and lead! So when you catch yourself comparing yourself to others because it will still happen, remember the following four truths.
#1 You are Seeing Their Highlight Reel
You are seeing their highlight reel. They didn't start yesterday. You don't get to see the behind the scenes. You don't get to see the nitty-gritty in and out of their every single day because if you did you would know that they aren't perfect. If you did you would know that they struggled. If you did you would know that they put in the work, they've put in the hours. They did not just wake up one day and were an expert at something or had mastered something. There's a stat that says that it takes 10 000 hours to master something, 10 000 hours! Think about that.
So, what you see about them, what you think you know about them, might lead you to believe that they're perfect and they are not. When we compare ourselves to others’ highlight reels we will always, always, always fall short. But the truth is that they're not perfect and we're not meant to be perfect either. So the comparison trap is the biggest danger for female Christian leaders today because it will always leave us feeling inadequate, like we can't be enough, that we're not good enough, that we'll never measure up enough.
#2 God Gives the Gifts
So, truth number two is that God gives the gifts. God is the one in God's grace who gives gifts to each one of us. Our part is to be faithful. We are called to be good stewards of what God has given us. We are not called to be good stewards of what God has given other people. We are called to steward the gifts and talents that God has given us in God's grace.
All too often the comparison trap leads us to believe that we're supposed to be good at this other thing over here when really the gift that we have the talents that we have is this thing over here. We're not called to steward this gift we don’t have, we're called to steward these gifts that we actually have. But when we're comparing ourselves to other people, who we are not and who we are not called to be, we start believing this lie that “oh I'm supposed to be really good at that thing, when in reality we're supposed to be really good at these things and we're supposed to steward these things well.”
I signed up for an Ironman in 2014 and of course the perfectionist in me wanted to win. I'm not a professional triathlete but I guarantee you that deep down inside I imagined that I could probably be pretty good at it if I put in the time. So, I put in the time. Not only did I not win, I didn't finish. Why not? I'm not a professional triathlete and I tried to do something that I wasn’t yet even good at. Will I try again sometime? Yeah I think that I’d like to, but for my own benefit because I love competing with myself these days.
But I'm not a professional triathlete. God did not give me the body to be a professional triathlete. If I really wanted to put in the time and the money and the sweat equity and the resources into becoming okay pretty good, sure I could. But I could also focus on the gifts and the talents that God has actually already given me and then I could become really good at those. If I put in the time and the energy and the focus and the resources over here on the gifts and talents God has actually given me, not the ones that I look out and compare myself to others and dream about having, I could be so filled with joy. By focusing on the gifts and the talents that I do have and investing my resources and time into those, I will actually serve other people so much better than if I focus on something else because I think that I should because that's what other people do.
#3 See Yourself as God Does
Truth three is to see yourself as God does. How we see ourselves is also how we see others. So the grace and the love that we accept from Jesus for ourselves is also the grace and the love that we can extend to others. So we must as leaders see ourselves as God sees us. Not as we think we should be because we've spent so much time comparing ourselves to others and what others do and who they are and what they're good at, but as God sees us because that's who we really are. We can see others better when we can see ourselves as Jesus sees us. And if we're really struggling with our worth and our identity and feeling inadequate and like we're not good enough and that will never be good enough, then it’s time to spend more time with God and listen to who God says that we are and what God has to say about us.
I love the exchange between peter and Jesus at the end of the Book of John at the end of chapter 21.
“Peter turned and saw that the disciple whom Jesus loved was following them. (This was the one who had leaned back against Jesus at the supper and had said, “Lord, who is going to betray you?”) When Peter saw him, he asked, “Lord, what about him?”
Jesus answered, “If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? You must follow me.” Because of this, the rumor spread among the believers that this disciple would not die. But Jesus did not say that he would not die; he only said, “If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you?”
See, Peter was worried about somebody else. Peter was looking at somebody else. Peter was comparing himself to somebody else. Peter was wondering “well, but what about him Jesus?” and Jesus says “stop worrying about him, don't focus on him, don't even spend your time wasted on wondering what I’m going to do with him, wondering what I’m going to do with his life. No, Peter focus on who I’ve called you to be. I want you to see yourself as I see you. And Jesus says the same thing to you and me. I want you so desperately to see yourself as I see you.”
#4 You are Enough
Which brings us to truth number four: you are enough. So say it out loud with me “I am enough.” Say it again “I am enough.” Do you believe it? Is that true for you? Here's the reality, no amount of striving, of doing, is ever going to make us actually feel like we are enough because our enoughness is not found in what we do, it's found in who we are. And we are already enough! I really want you to believe that today. It matters not only for how you see yourself, but for how you see others, how you live, how you lead.
There's a big difference in how we live and how we lead when we feel like we are never enough, that we will never be enough, that we will always fall short. Versus when we know we're enough, when we know that sure we'll make mistakes, we might fail, we might stumble and trip forward along the way, but we're already enough because our worth is found in who we are not what we do. And when we can live and lead out of that truth in that reality there is so much joy found there!
You are enough my friend!
